This week began a new chapter of my life never experienced before - being an official working mum.
Sure I’ve worked in our family business and been working as a Wedding Celebrant but this is my first time back as an ‘employee’ - and having to be back on someone else’s watch, and under their instruction.
I won’t lie I was, and still am an emotional mess about all of this. I know it is a great thing for me to be able to contribute more financially and set a positive work example for my children but it is still a huge adjustment.
I am lucky enough to have an amazing and supportive Mother and Mother-in-law who will care for my kids, and I am acutely aware that not very many people have this luxury. You just need to take one look at childcare centres and family daycare waitlists to realise.
But despite this, a lump still forms in my throat. Tears fall from my eyes knowing that a poignant part of my life is over, one I knew was coming but never fully prepared for.
Now it may not be me that kisses Hunters grazed knee first, it might not be me who witnesses those magical first steps that my baby Frankie takes. And this hurts.
Sure this job may not be full time but it really makes you re-assess your home situation and be grateful for the precious time and memories that you have made.
It also makes you regret things - did I do enough? Did my kids benefit from having me at home all this time? Was I enough?
It also makes me further recognize and respect working Mothers as they juggle work and home life, trying to find that perfect balance between pleasure and pain, the balance between independence and growth, and a yearning to hold their babies tight all day.
I’m sure I will adjust just fine, but for now it’s something so foreign and scary for me - to let go and to loosen the reigns I have held onto so tightly for so long.